Hope
by Heather Cat
Summary: A series of short vignettes about Cloud, Tifa, and the flower girl who changed their lives. When hope is all you have left, live each day with a smile.
1. Hope

Hope  
  
  
  
Do you often wonder what life would be like if things were different, if that one critical moment had never happened? I do. I wonder if I could have gotten there earlier, could have fought harder, something I could have done, I could have said.  
  
Yeah, I've got a lot of regrets. I know I'll only collect more as I get older. Although, tonight it almost feels like this twenty three year old is a hundred and three. Is it always like this? I've seen too much and lived too hard. Sure, I only did what I had too, but that just makes the whole thing seem so damned hilarious. You gotta believe the Universe has a sense of humor. If you don't, well. . .  
  
Don't get me wrong, I'm not sorry for the things I've done. I just can't help but wonder. Why in hells did it have to be me? But then again, if it wasn't for everything, then I'd never have met Her. And maybe. . . Maybe just having known her a little while, it was all worth it in the end.  
  
Maybe I loved Tifa once, but then again, it was a long time ago. It always seems to work out that way for me; wanting what I can't have. When we were little, Tifa and the other kids thought I was strange, and they'd never include me in anything they did. It hurt, when the girl I cared about could hardly remember my name for two days on end.  
  
The night at the well? What about it? Tifa came that night, when I asked her to, and I was surprised. Who wouldn't be? I didn't even think she knew I existed, let alone gave a damn. And then there was that promise. Well, I dispensed with that long ago, and it's about time we both let go of the past.  
  
I know Tifa cares now, I know it hurts her that I don't say the things she wants me to say. It hurts her like it hurt me all those years ago. Not that I'd ever wish that on anybody, I never meant to hurt Tifa. She's a sweet girl, brave and strong, but I also know that it can't be Tifa. I can't be there for her like she wants me to, because if I took her in my arms I'd only be living a lie. I'd just end up hurting both of us even more, and how could I do that to Tifa?  
  
No, there's only one person I could ever spend my life with, and she's gone. Dearest Aeris, for every tear that we've cried, in the memory of the Planet and in my heart, you never died.  
  
The ironic part is that I would have given it all up for her, just to spend another day with her, to laugh with her, be there for her when she felt all alone. And then she turns out to be some sort of damned hero and throws away her life to save us all. Maybe she knew how it would end, maybe she didn't. Damn. This is getting to be a lot of maybes. But whatever the case, she flew away before I ever got to tell her how I felt. Not that she didn't know, but still, I wonder. . .  
  
Aeris was the only one who could bring me out of the shell I'd built around myself. She was the only one who saw through the strange lie I'd stolen and made my own. When she looked at me with those beautiful green eyes of hers I could feel my world being turned upside down. I know it was Tifa who took me by the hand and led me to the truth in the Lifestream, but who's to say Aeris wouldn't have done the same?  
  
No, that isn't fair to either Tifa or Aeris. Maybe I'm just bitter. But I know that Aeris is the one who made me care. She smiled that smile of hers and went on smiling even as she fell into the darkness. Even in death, her smile lit up the world. I think. . . I think she was my savior. My angel.  
  
Ha. Look at me talking about letting go of the past. And where am I? Saddling my gold chocobo to leave as Tifa sobs her heart out inside, thinking I don't know. But I do, and that makes it even worse. Don't cry, Tifa. You are my best friend forever, and I will never forget you, but I can't stay here. Kalm is not where I'm meant to be, not here, not now.  
  
I think the most precious gift that Aeris gave me was hope. Hope that there would be a tomorrow, hope that the sun would come up again, hope that there would be someone by my side. Now, I need all the hope she can give. I've been thinking lately.  
  
It was. . . a year now? Seems like only last night. Anyway, Sephiroth was supposed to be genetically identical to the Ancients, right? A long time ago, Sephiroth died in an old Mako reactor, but his anger and insanity drove him to resist the Lifestream. His spirit went on even after his body was encased in Mako. He didn't have a way to live, but he didn't have the faith to die.  
  
Maybe. . . maybe Aeris is out there too, but kept alive by hope and love instead of anger, waiting for me. No, that's stupid. I know her spirit is still alive. Every time the wind blows through the grass, I can hear her laugh, and every time I see the ocean, it's like looking into her sparkling eyes again. Maybe I'm crazy, or. . . maybe I just have hope.  
  
And now as I ride off towards the north to look for an answer, please don't cry Tifa. I won't look back, and because of that, I'm not worth your tears. There'll be someone else who can care about you like I couldn't, you're too beautiful and kind for there not to be.  
  
If you're watching me as I go now, your Ruby eyes red from crying, please Tifa, believe. I believe in my heart that I'll be back one day, that I'll find her and live that happily ever after. And maybe, maybe if you believe in me too I'll be able to go ever farther. Because there is a tomorrow, another sunrise and someone standing by your side; and only hope will get us there.  
  
  
  
  
  
~* 


	2. Smile

Smile  
  
  
  
So. . . He's gone now, just like that. Tonight, as the moon rises above the distant hilltops I look out my window with my eyes red from crying, and I smile. You'd wonder why, too, wouldn't you?  
  
There was never a lot in my life to look forward too; another day to greet, another drink to mix. So what? Tifa Lockheart always met the challenges of a new day with a lifted chin and a brave smile. The problem was, until Cloud came along, it was a meaningless, empty smile.  
  
I sometimes wonder what it's like being special, being needed. I wonder what it feels like to make someone want to live, to make the world a better place one day at a time. I've only ever known two people who could do that. Two special people who could light up the world and then give it to you in a smile. One of them is the man I've loved all my life. The other. . . She was my best friend, and my dearest companion. May she finally find her Promised Land.  
  
I'm not a bitter person; I've always tried to be there for others when they needed me. I guess compassion was my gift, and oh, I just keep on giving long after there's nothing left in my heart for me. It's strange, you know? I give it all away and get the wind whistling through the trees as an answer.  
  
I know my friends will always be there for me, they care for me as I care for them. We've been through more then our share of life together, and we'll be together until the bitter end. Aeris and I, well. . . She taught me a lot about life. She touched my soul the way she did everyone else's, and she brought out the best in me. Although she's gone now, the dearest angel's wings tragically broken, in many ways we'll never really be apart.  
  
It would have been easier if she were a regular person, someone I could dislike or be jealous of. But no. . . Never Aeris. She was kind, charitable, and always smiling as if there was nothing in the world that could ever take that away from her. She didn't bother being a stranger, merely walked into my life and tied it with her own in a single smile.  
  
And Cloud. Her laughter entwined the ribbons that make up our lives, hearts, futures, our very souls into a single braid. I think that was what Aeris did. She brought us together when no one else could, and she alone healed the darkness that lived in Cloud's heart. With her shining eyes, her love, her smile.  
  
And Cloud loved her too; there was never a doubt. The beautiful flower girl would open her heart innocently to Cloud, and because she loved him with every breath she took, he in turn opened his to her. The way Aeris could make you care, make you believe by speaking her heart - it was a kind of magic. Maybe that's why she was taken from us. She was too good for this world.  
  
But it's never fair. After she unknowingly took our hearts with her on our journey, so she took them to the bottom of the lake where Cloud laid her to rest. And Cloud? He is as much an angel as she was, and he was left behind with a tear inside him that would never heal.  
  
I wanted - I want - to be the one to show Cloud how to live with that hurt. But. . . How can I do it when I still bleed too? I cried the night Aeris died, a hundred tears or more. I still cry inside for her every time I see the stars in the sky above. People want to believe that I was happy, that I had Cloud. But they can't see the broken child inside that weeps for. . . what? Everything. For Cloud's pain, for the fact that Aeris will never again help Yuffie up when she falls, never again tease Barret, commiserate with Vincent, argue with Red, gently chide Cid, laugh with Cait Sith. Comfort me when I'm down. Smile.  
  
It hurts me that Cloud loved her and not me, that I wasn't the one he turned too, but how could I object? I loved her too; and I will say it again until the end of time: the best friend I'll ever know. Cloud, you mean so much to me, but you should be happy. Go to Aeris, and find the angel I know you deserve, and I'll live a little happier knowing that you are happy, Cloud. I could never tell you what you meant to me, and maybe. . . Maybe as you ride off tonight, maybe one day we'll both find happiness.  
  
I cried for you Cloud, for the love unspoken and the dreams that died in my heart as you walked out the door. I cried for the love that I'll never have, for the children I'll never know, and most of all, for blue eyes I know I'll miss the most. But you know what, Cloud? I'm not going to cry anymore. I'm stronger than that.  
  
I'll miss you every day, but now I know that if you have to go, I'll be okay. I'll always love you Cloud, and I will never, ever forget you.  
  
Just please, promise me that one day you'll come back. I know you've gone to find her, and I wish you happiness with all my heart. Find her Cloud, and live your fairytale. I'm not crying anymore, so don't look back. But one last thing, Cloud. When you return with Aeris in your arms, I'll be waiting for you. . .  
  
With a smile. 


	3. Thanking You

Thanking You  
  
  
  
There something almost. . . unclean about this place now. Not that Midgar was ever the nicest place in the world, but you get my point. No one would dare go in there now, not after all that's happened. The seven sectors of hell have fallen, and now they will remain forever to remind us of how close we came to losing everything.  
  
And now, standing on this cliff I feel like an outsider looking in. Looking at the untouchable, just beyond the glass. Looking at the past, the remains of my life, the shades of everyone who died to set this godforsaken Planet free. I can't help but look around and see the desolation; the ruins that are the only grave those in Midgar during Meteor will get. And we all know who did this.  
  
Oh, in the end everyone's blameless. Rufus Shinra, Scarlet, Heidegger, Hojo. . . even Sephiroth. Because in death there is a peculiar liberty, a release from everything and everyone left behind. Yeah, it's not their fault they fucked up; we're all human after all. We all make mistakes, we all die. It's just damned unfair that those of us still here have to live with their mistakes.  
  
I didn't use to think you know. Once upon a time I'd do whatever shit people told me to - paid me to - and I was happy because I thought that's how things were supposed to be. Don't get me wrong, I was never naïve. I lost my innocence down a blood stained gutter at the age of three. But let's not go there. That's not why I'm here.  
  
I'm here to remember. 'Lest we forget' and all that crap. . . But, you know, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. I've got too many things on these shoulders, and maybe if I look them in the eye they'll stop haunting me. I know, I know. Reno of the Turks developing a conscience!? Just shut the hell up and listen for a minute. I'm not sorry for what I did. I got no regrets, and I won't bow to anybody. If you were so damned 'wronged', than you weren't strong enough to save yourself and it's no one's fault but your own. That's not to say I haven't changed. You live and learn, people.  
  
Back to why I'm standing here freezing my ass off. To tell the truth, I'm not really sure. I told myself so many different things. . . I wanted to think that I was making sure this place was really dead, or something. But you know, I think I'm really here because of AVALANCHE. Sounds stupid, don't it? Wait, don't answer that. I thought I already told you to shut up  
  
The sun's coming up over the scrap heap, and down below I can just see the twisted spire of the sector five church. It just kinda brings it all back. I think that we wanted to believe we were doing it for the good of the company, for somebody. Or, when all else failed, that we were at least the big bad. Everyone wants to mean something. No, the Turks were just Shinra's hired help. Didn't want to get their own hands dirty so they tamed their own personal demons and dressed them up in blue suits.  
  
I think it was in that church that I first met the Ancient. Don't remember her name, but I won't ever forget those eyes. Like Strife's, they sparkled like there weren't no gem prettier anywhere. But unlike his, hers weren't stained by Mako. They shone like, well, now that I've seen it myself, like the bloody Lifestream. I guess now, looking back, I can see why.  
  
That Ancient, she meant a lot to her friends. And I guess they must have meant a lot to her, too. I don't know the whole story, I wasn't there, didn't see it happen. But I do think that she did it for us. Maybe not me personally, but for all of us who have to go on living here, even after those we care about have left us. She died to save everything she loved, and she loved the whole damned Planet. I've been told so many things about her, and I can tell that none of AVALANCHE ever really let her go. Kinda like us and Tseng, really.  
  
Tseng. Still hurts to say that name out loud, even after all this time. Well, to hell with that. Tseng, Tseng, Tseng, Tseng. I'll scream it to the sky if I want to.  
  
Well, now that we got that over with, let's continue, shall we? Yeah, the Ancient and Tseng grew up together, or so I'm told. I know he loved her, anyway. But we were Turks and there was a job to be done. Never ask your guy to choose between his job and you. Professionalism wins every time, baby.  
  
I think in the end Tseng saw what we couldn't. We were too blinded by the high on which a Turk permanently lives; the people, the places, the money, the power. But before he died, Tseng told AVALANCHE the truth and wished his sweet Ancient a final farewell. No, romance never sounded good on me.  
  
But the Ancient, well, she loved Strife and lived for Strife. If we were blind, then he must've been decapitated at birth to miss that. Still, he managed to not see how the Ancient smiled with her shiny eyes and went and got herself skewered all for him. If I said I cared it would be out of character, but hey, it's a little late for that already. So. . . let's just say I'm sorry for what happened and let it go at that.  
  
There's a lot in life to live for, even if times have gotten hard. I don't have a nice place to go back to anymore, I'm hated wherever I go. But don't feel sorry for me, I'll shoot you before I give in to that. You get over it, and you go on with what you have. Personally, what I had after meteor was a whole lot of debts, too many memories and a sudden urge to get very drunk.  
  
But it's because of her that I still had that, even if I'm the only one who realizes it. No one gives a damn what I do, where I go anymore. And still, she's the one that made sure there was still a damn to be given. I'm going in circles. We want to believe in heroes and happiness for all, and for a while it's been messing me up. But. . . I think I've finally figured it out. Strife and friends, they did what they did for themselves. They each had a score to settle, and no one ever thought about the rest of us who might not want to die a fiery death from Meteor.  
  
The only one who remembered us, gave it all up for us. She's the only real hero of the bunch, if you ask me. Even if I only met her a few times, and never in happy times, I guess in some ways she was the strongest person I ever met. Hey, she was no ninja, but she didn't need a sword. She had something else.  
  
Tseng, you were our leader, the one we looked up to. We may be bastards, but when you died you left a hole in our hearts. Contradiction in terms? Like I give a damn. You were our partner in crime and I hated you for that, but you were also our teacher, our role model and our friend. For that, a little bit of you goes on in every one of us.  
  
You know, Tseng, I hope you find your Ancient wherever you've gone. You were a devil and she was an angel, but you just gotta hope that there's someone to forgive you after all's said and done. I don't pretend to know what happens, where death takes you. I've seen more of it then anyone should, and I still don't know. Go figure. All I can say for sure is that I owe the Ancient my life, and Tseng my soul. Wherever I go from here, everything I do I know I'll have you guys watching my back just like old times.  
  
This? S'a bouquet. Roses. Half of them are red and half are black. Don't worry, I'm leaving them here. There's only two people that ever gave a damn about me enough to care, and these are for them. I won't forget, not ever. Maybe this was a pointless trip, or maybe. . . maybe someone somewhere smiled, and that would make it all worth it.  
  
Devil, may you find your angel and never be alone again. Me? I've gotta get going home. Yuffie tends to worry if I'm gone long. She always seems to think I'm out drinking or something. Wonder where she gets ideas like that, huh?  
  
Just. . . one last thing. When you find your Ancient, tell her that I. . .  
  
No. Just. . . tell her that I said. . . Thanks.  
  
  
  
  
  
~* Note from the Author*~ Hey everybody! Yeah, I know. This sure is a weird one. I was sitting in computer class when this idea hit me. I started writing, not even knowing which character it was talking to me. For a while I thought it was Tifa, but man was I surprised when it turned out to be Reno! This was supposed to be an AVALANCHE thing! Reno's a difficult character to work with. Sometimes he uses these beautiful, descriptive sentences. Other times, he treats grammar like it shouldn't be touched with a three-foot pole. Sigh. After he finished telling me his side of the story, I finally chased him. . . off. . . What have I done!? NOOOOOOOO!!! *Chases after sexy redhead* 


	4. Love

Love  
  
  
  
Cloud. . .!? What are you. . .!? Where are you going!? You can't just ride away Cloud; you can't just disappear off into the sunset! No, I don't doubt you could do anything, but people need you, Cloud. I know Tifa needs you.  
  
Oh, Cloud, I never wanted you to do this. I couldn't bear if you forgot me, but I also want you to be happy. Tifa loves you Cloud, please don't turn your back on her when she needs you so much. I. . . I love you too Cloud, but to keep everything I love safe, I had to leave it all behind. I won't be sad Cloud, and it hurts me to know that you won't let go. I won't ever forget you; in fact I'm always with you. Don't be sad Cloud. I'm happy knowing that you all have lives to live, and the only thing I want is to see you and Tifa smile.  
  
Time will pass, and things will change but no matter what, I'll always be with you. All of you. Because I know I'm loved and remembered, I go on living in your hearts. Nanaki, Vincent, Barret, Reeve, Cid, Yuffie, Tifa, and you Cloud. You mean so much to me. I watch you grow and change, and although I miss you more than I can say, it'll all be okay. Sometimes, I pretend I can talk to you and that you can hear me whispering down to you on the wind. I'd tell Red to never be afraid, Vincent that he's not alone in the darkness, Barret that he'll always have friends he can depend on, Reeve that he can go all the way to the top, Cid to just tell Shera that he cares and stop hiding it, Yuffie that I'm happier for her and Reno than she'll ever know, Tifa to be just as happy as she can be, and Cloud. . . There's so much I want to tell you, Cloud.  
  
If I had just one more day, one more sunset, one more breath I know what I'd tell you Cloud. And it's because you gave me the courage to be the best I could be that I could do what I did. I didn't know what it would mean when I decided to go Cloud, but I accepted the consequences because when I looked into your eyes I knew I could be more than I ever thought I could be. Like I could be. . .me. And that was okay.  
  
I think that I finally figured it out, though. It took me a long time, but I said I'd find you Cloud, and I did. I found you deep inside my heart, and that last night when I saw you standing over me I finally knew the truth.  
  
I'm sorry that I couldn't be there to show you the way, Cloud, but Tifa was always there to hold you up. She led you through the maze your mind became, and she never looked back. And it's because she loves you Cloud. I prayed for someone to help her, and in the end she needed none. She'll always be there to catch you when you fall, and likewise so will I. When you two fell into the Lifestream, I was beside you. When you took your first flight in the Highwind, I was there. When Holy could fight no more I did the only thing I knew how.  
  
You said you would 'meet me there', Cloud, but what did you mean? There's something you've been hiding from even yourself. I think. . . I think you knew all along that you couldn't stay with Tifa, but you were scared to admit it. And Tifa will let you go tonight because she wants you to be happy, even if that means not being with her. And it's because she loves you Cloud.  
  
What I'd tell you Cloud. . . I'd tell you that love is forever. I know people fight, sometimes they get hurt, and then they go their separate ways. But somewhere, under all the pain and anger, a part of love lives on. Tifa will still be waiting for you a thousand years from now when no one remembers our names or what we did. Please, please turn around Cloud and go back. Looking back on every day I spent telling you how much I wanted to be with you again, it's funny and sad that now I'm on my knees pleading for you to stop.  
  
I died for you, Cloud, I'm crying for you now. Please stop making me hurt inside. I want the best of both worlds when I can have neither, and although I try to be strong for you I'm breaking Cloud. I guess. . . I guess it's because I love you too. Tifa will still be waiting for you, but a part of me will always be here hoping against hope for your warm embrace. I want to be with you, Cloud, but I never want to hurt Tifa. She is my best friend, and she deserves happiness every bit as much as you do. I'm crying now because I'm dead, Cloud, and neither of us can let the past alone. I'm gone and I can never have all the things I wanted, see all the things I wanted, and never make you smile again.  
  
And yet. . . love is forever. Maybe belief in truth, beauty and love can transcend even death itself. Happiness is where you find it, and that's not always where you look.  
  
I said before that I believe that you can do anything you want to, Cloud, and I don't regret it. If you truly believe with your heart, then you will find me. But Cloud, even if there is a way, I couldn't live again knowing that I had been returned just to find you giving your heart away to someone else. There are worse things then death. But if you. . . if you really love me Cloud, and you believe in yourself, and me, maybe one day we will find happiness.  
  
There's a salty taste on my lips, but I've dried my eyes. I will be waiting for you Cloud, and I'll be waiting here. I love you Cloud, and when I finally see your blue eyes smiling back at me, I'll fly into your arms and forever there I'll be. Love is forever, and happiness is here to stay.  
  
  
  
~* 


End file.
